Parenting test....

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 15-step program first!
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoalready are parents and berate them about their...1. Methods of discipline.2. Lack of patience.3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.4. Allowing their children to run wild.5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding,sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoyit, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all theanswers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel....1. get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living roomfrom 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, witha radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.(Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go tosleep.3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until1AM.4. Set the alarm for 3AM.5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watchan infomercial.6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard andbe productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years.Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out..1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there allsummer.3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.4. Then rub them on the clean walls.5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How doesthat look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hangout. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn itinto an alligator.2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape anda piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of CocoaPuffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless andshining. Family cars don't look like that.1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leaveit there.2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the backseat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 8
1. Get ready to go out.2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.3. Go out the front door.4. Come in again. Go out.5. Come back in.6. Go out again.7. Walk down the front path.8. Walk back up it.9. Walk down it again.10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about everycigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insectalong the way.12. Retrace your steps.13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighborscome out and stare at you.14. Give up and go back into the house.You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9
Repeat, out loud, every fact that you have learned in life, at least (if notmore than) five times.
Lesson 10
1. Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you canfind to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is also excellent*).*If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more thanone goat.2. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easilyaccomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon.2. Make a small hole in the side.3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into theswaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.
Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, theTeletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disneychannel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking, what's"Noggin"?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway andstick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
Lesson 14
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.(Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy";occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.3. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tugon your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tapemade from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with anadult while there is a child in the room.This is all very tongue in cheek, anyone who is parent will say "it's allworth it!" Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important thingsyou'll need when you become a parent!